I just have to be good, and stay good, and maybe I'll be okay. I might not be perfect but I think my life's been too carefully lived to even feel terrible about myself. I think they should just be happy for me.
Oh my gosh. I just hate the fact that we have to stick with people who don't really know us. We have emotions too you know. We just don't bother telling you what's up cuz you grown ups are such tough meat to swallow. Ugh.
Please make up your mind. If you want us to do our thing then just let us, and stop telling us to do this and that "for our own good." It's so confusing.
Long distance shit. Can't help but avert myself. I hate being far away from people I love. Somebody needs to shed some light on its possibilities again, because right now I'm still pretty sick of it. My life has been mostly of LDRs, and I wonder if it's always gonna be like that forever.
And so, I almost didn't greet my father a happy father's day. It took a lot of unexplainable emotions and tears that welled up at different points in the day before I got to. I do love him. Very much. And it's different kinds of joy I feel when he's home. I love listening to his stories, even if he's told them a thousand times. I would listen, and I would always know he would hurt some time at the end of one of his stories, when he takes a pause and he would look far away. He loves sharing about the things he did and didn't do that he silently wished the people from his past understood. And I love him, just him, most of all. I wish I grew up with him around more often. So despite my sickness of LDR, and my tendency to rebel against my mom's guilt-trips, I had to do it.
Along with my email of best wishes, and a picture of him and our pug, I attached a song I wanted him to enjoy. It's about a constant longing, very similar to what I feel during most days when he's away for work.
I'm sorry, Papa, for being a complicated daughter.
I don't want to live in a small world. I want to be able to live anonymously in a large city, get lost among the countless people there, who are equally anonymous but living their lives. I want to be surrounded by good people, who are on top of the world with their culture. I want a large availability of things to do wherever I am. I don't want restrictions. I don't want to be watched. I don't want to be judged. Contradictory to all this, I want to be surrounded by people who make me happy, people I love, people who matter to me, people who know me well. I want to be in my comfort zone, my element, and these could all be it. I want to live.
Sometimes I get too disappointed by my own country.
Some people have a very loose attitude towards friendship. I’m not like that. When you are a friend, I must feel you are really one, or just someone who knows how to be friendly. When you start clinging, it’s fine I guess, but don’t go expecting much from me. I swear to you, you will not be able to depend on me for shit.
Also, us hanging out doesn’t mean we’re friends. Especially if I cannot hold any respect for you. Which could be because I cannot take your attitude, or behavior towards me or other people. Most especially if you keep disrespecting me. It's not cool, even if I act like it is.
It’s good to be in love It really does suit you
Just like everything
I’m happy you’re in love
Cause every colour goes where you do
Oh, come on, what can I do?
(Why’s it happening?)
How’s it happening without me? How’s it happening that he feels it without me?
It’s good to be in love…
You have no idea how scared I am of it happening again. It’s all his(S) fault. Everything is too familiar and strange at the same time. I want to hope it doesn’t happen again. But me keeping my calm and hoping for good things didn’t prove any point the last time.
I’d rather warp to that point in the future where all is well. I guess I am broken by that past experience badly enough that I’ve grown a lot more casual and carefree about things. In short, I’ve turned into a rather unprepared duck. Cos if I weren’t, I’d be bugging his brains out almost too childishly, and that albeit with worries, I’d still be brave enough to try and get to somewhere as soon as I can.
How far have I gotten over you? Until now, a lot of questions I throw at myself and a lot of looking back can catch me uncertain of the answer. I remember quite well the times just after you left, when I still found myself talking to you in my mind as if you were still there, ready and eagerly listening to my every thoughts. You told me you always liked to hear whatever I said. And you were even the one who would try to ease me into thinking I could tell you everything I had in mind. I've gotten used to imagining us together. I've gotten used to dreaming, believing in the day we finally spend together. That hangover was long gone. For a while I could not face the truth and I just blocked away all the thoughts. Now, I believe I've locked them all away, but still bits of what was unresolved manage to seep out.
I've been meaning to break this habit of mine already. I've been up the whole night again, without any intention of going to sleep. Anyway, I'm losing weight in the process and I don't like it. Aaah, time to fix myself up, definitely!
22. I write about dailies, feelings, and any random stuff I can think of.
Other precautions on reading personal blogs/diaries: "...At the best and even unexpurgated, diaries give a distorted or one-sided portrait of the writer..." - L. Woolf
