Just Testing

 

This is just a test.

by MKC at 2:39 AM 0 comments

Musings on Looking Back

You will remember all the things that was wrong in a past relationship and realize in hindsight all those things compounded made the relationship wrong anyway but only as we should. In reality, you could have accepted all those things all the way. Not every memory of a wrong comment, a wrong reaction would justify why you two wouldn't work out. In a relationship there isn't a sure outlook of whether you two are going to work. As long as there is nothing that drains both of your lives when together, both of you could work on any imperfection.

by MKC at 6:07 PM 0 comments

I must admit all the changes I've seen the past few years have left me confused and wondering...

Losing sight of your role model(s) could sometimes really make you stumble in the dark.

Surely, some things are wrong. Teaching us to become independent should not have to be this way. Parenting should not ever stop, and much more, spending time with your family.

A lot of unsaid thoughts and feelings make the air around really heavy and awkward. It's not okay to shrug "petty" worries off. It's not okay to head immediately to bed at night after a tiresome day at work, thinking everything will always be fine and running, while you don't even see to anyone's emotional needs. It's not okay to, figuratively, leave us all alone, just because you've grown tired of trying, or you're trying to loosen up your hold on things. This is something you should never get tired of. We are something you should never get tired of. My mind is probably too dramatic in describing this, but your hold just seems a bit too loose.

This isn't an appeal for pity... I just wanted to air this out, because this is probably the one of the things that's been making it hard for me to be really contented. We have needs. We need presence, in one way or another. We need growth. And we need to feel love... But it cannot be tended to. I wonder why. I can't see why. I'd hate to think what's in your mind, and how you let it become like this. The how's and why's make my brain shrink up, you know. I'd rather think there's a good explanation for everything. But not understanding this I guess gets too hard to bear sometimes.

by MKC at 4:55 AM 0 comments

So Wrong Just Wrong

I think it's best to keep away from people who let money problems get to their heads so much that they can't even be talked to properly without their veins tensing up, and getting defensive.

That's a time I wish they'd get injected by some hippie-state-inducing drug.

I just think something's wrong with it.

by MKC at 8:55 PM 0 comments

Foolsome

Some people probably never realize they're already being a compulsive "deceiver" for the lack of a better term.

Actually, doesn't it make them liars when they just keep on neglecting to fulfill their commitments.

It really doesn't make anyone's life easier when people give false hopes.

Eventually the people around them will become tired of getting disappointed. And they'll forever be remembered as that person who never really does what he/she says he/she will do.

People should stop saying they'll do something they don't really plan on doing. They get people worked up, expecting something that will never happen. I for one feel like a fool for getting worked up a lot of times, from holding onto people's words. I don't think I'm being dramatic. If they had no plans of doing something, they should just hold back all flimsy promises.

Or better yet, we should all stop getting our hopes up.

by MKC at 5:07 AM 0 comments

by MKC at 4:56 PM 0 comments

QOTD

by MKC at 6:36 PM 0 comments

If Only...

Looks like I forgot to sleep... while doing nothing. Or was I? Still here in the living room. Must've been too cool tonight out here that I forgot about my bed and the artificial cool air of the AC.

Anyway, I'm just waiting for breakfast~ Fave meal of the day, which I almost always miss because of sleeping late. One more hour! And maybe I'll think of something better to talk about.

For the meantime, enjoy a picture of my dog through the night. She sure slept soundly.

by MKC at 5:11 AM 0 comments

Onward Without Anchors

Forget the past. For anyone's next would-be relationship, both sides of the party don't deserve anything less than they could give. Any other people who shouldn't be in the present picture is just that unnecessary baggage to carry in either one's mind. And to the people who know better than to sulk over the past, I tip my virtual lady hat to them.

Well, I tried to end on a positive note.

by MKC at 2:50 AM 0 comments

Shoo Negatives

I just have to be good, and stay good, and maybe I'll be okay. I might not be perfect but I think my life's been too carefully lived to even feel terrible about myself. I think they should just be happy for me.

Oh my gosh. I just hate the fact that we have to stick with people who don't really know us. We have emotions too you know. We just don't bother telling you what's up cuz you grown ups are such tough meat to swallow. Ugh. 

Please make up your mind. If you want us to do our thing then just let us, and stop telling us to do this and that "for our own good." It's so confusing.

by MKC at 3:03 AM 0 comments

They (He) Made Me Happy

Looks like we made it. This has been the most emotionally fulfilling thing I've done in a long time. *Exhale* I have no words for what I feel right now. It's just... great, personally. You know?

I'll always remember this performance.

by MKC at 2:46 AM 0 comments

Futility

At these times, no one's gonna come after you if you intentionally go away. So don't even try.

But try to just stay.

by MKC at 3:29 AM 0 comments

Live On Your Own

I should know how to live alone. But I'm growing almost too attached to everyone's company. Basically, it's almost the same as any relationship issue, ones involving going through life with someone. You can't follow your own footsteps with someone walking along, unless it's done in a harmonious parallel. And that's never quite easy to attain.

So yeah, the past years I may have succumbed to some sort of conformity, a bit of dumbing down, and the likes. I'm still myself yeah, I've grown, but I've limited myself just by merely conforming. I don't mind being normal, but I guess the way I see myself these days is that I look pretty diluted. I don't really know, though.

Meh. I just don't want my dreams to disappear. If I've to want more then so be it.

by MKC at 11:24 PM 0 comments

(Source: lovepixies, via panicmajestic)

by MKC at 9:08 PM 0 comments

Whenever I hear "the pains of being pure at heart," I don't think of the band, I think of the thought. 

The pains of being pure at heart... It's something anyone of us could've thought when we did something we truly meant and ended up in a disappointment.

by MKC at 4:29 AM 0 comments

Been Tired; Random Thoughts

I'm feeling heavy. I've probably sighed too much in my head today. I wanna cuss at everything just to release tension.

Maybe I need to release some things. Maybe Kai's idea wasn't bad after all. I need a hangover -- a really bad hangover that's gonna make me drop down on the floor and let out a big breath of relief.

But what if vomit comes out. What if my head hurts so badly I end up wasting the whole day. That's a terrible idea.

I wanna do something that's gonna turn my life around in an instant. Something different. I could easily say I need to punch someone, or something, or do something dangerous. But then again, I believe there are positive ways to release stuff. Just gotta find the one I need.

I know this is coming from a lot of things, but I need someone to reassure me of greater things that I need to focus on. I could be sufficient enough to do that. /Frustrations of a small being trying to feel big./

I wanna be part of the society again. Like the good old days. Just playing with my friends, and doing shit together freely. Note: Together, and freely. I miss smiles that are undistracted. I miss the times where no ghosts are chasing after you inside your head. I miss thinking about real life stuff. I miss those days. 'Cos, this isn't the real life.

Luckily, these friends of mine still, on a lot of days, give me something to think about. And they make me feel part of their lives when they do. A sense of purpose! At least there's that.


More insights:

I'm really hungry right now. It's 4AM. I was ready to sleep 5 hours ago.
I believe they'll be friends again.
This is a three hour composition with lots of chat in between. I gave what I could.

Best advice my lazy brain could come up tonight: "Walang hindi cycle sa mundo."
Best advice I received is a pickup line: "may papakita ako sayo.......yung ngipin ko"

That one cracks me up so hard. Ry mentioned his expertise in making people look stupid. This is one of the things that would surefire make me look #1 stupid.

Kai and Ry in one post. Yes, I just did that.

by MKC at 2:09 AM 1 comments

Headful, Mouthful

Spent the day with Ash. Had a lot of questions. She did too. We never ran out; We never run out. It's good to have a buddy like that -- Someone you can talk with endlessly. I felt my throat getting sore before we called it a day, but to be honest, I didn't want things to end there. I was going home again. Back to just me. No one to listen and respond to what I have in mind. I've mentioned this to another friend of mine, Bianca, how it gets lonely at home as I'm usually by myself. And I hit it right when I told her, 'cause she was an only child. She should know, of all people, how it felt to be alone. She said that I'd get used to it and she's probably right. But when I can't, I do something about it.

I feel blessed, if that's the most appropriate term, that I've friends to run to. I could be, at times, saying humdrum stuff, or things that are borderline philosophical, and I'm glad for all the times someone is there to listen.

I do appreciate it, terribly enough to write about it. I'm feeling pretty emotional.

I'll be looking for more answers, or more distractions, whichever comes, for the meantime.

by MKC at 1:46 AM 0 comments

The Small Things Matter (a re-blog)

This must be pretty old since I came across this story while backreading posts of years ago. I've forgotten about the story, and how nice it was and it's just great that I read it again. So here it goes:


This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that - more often than not - she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate eachother at the end. And you might walk away from eachother one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.
She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.
She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time.
She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that - gone. Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

Source: nedhepburn

by MKC at 11:26 PM 0 comments

I Traveled Worlds

His world has expanded. Too many streets to tread, too many faces to remember, too many people to keep around. He will select a few, and stick with them just as he needs to; Just as his station in time and space is there. They're all temporary, but it doesn't matter. His clock moves, and he cannot afford to be empty. But I remember when his whole world was me. And he was full.

by MKC at 4:05 AM 0 comments

Friendship Woes

*bear sigh*

Sometimes, my friends get the best of me. I feel for them when they're down and I'm into offering them what I can. But there are things that I find difficult to handle. I dunno if my issue is the topic of the problem itself or the attitude of the friend I'm trying to help. Truthfully, I am turned off by self-destructive personalities, and emotional vampires. And when I realize I can't offer anything they would consider, or if I cannot get myself to understand their situation , I can't help but run. Not just run, but really, run far away. And I know it sucks how easily I surrender but, really, how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Also, how can I help someone without having a good grasp of what their situation must be like. I feel too incompetent for some situations at times and I can't accept it. And the friends I've let down are piling up...

Sometimes I think I do too much helping. Sometimes I don't think all of them can listen to me the way I do to them. I just hope there will always be someone I can run to whenever I need an ear.


I wish you don't end up becoming too futile to help. I can't feel like a friend if I think I'm incapable of giving you anything. But then I'm also selfish because I don't want any of your bad parts.

by MKC at 5:12 AM 0 comments