Monday, July 23, 2012


Whenever I hear "the pains of being pure at heart," I don't think of the band, I think of the thought. 

The pains of being pure at heart... It's something anyone of us could've thought when we did something we truly meant and ended up in a disappointment.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Been Tired; Random Thoughts


I'm feeling heavy. I've probably sighed too much in my head today. I wanna cuss at everything just to release tension.

Maybe I need to release some things. Maybe Kai's idea wasn't bad after all. I need a hangover -- a really bad hangover that's gonna make me drop down on the floor and let out a big breath of relief.

But what if vomit comes out. What if my head hurts so badly I end up wasting the whole day. That's a terrible idea.

I wanna do something that's gonna turn my life around in an instant. Something different. I could easily say I need to punch someone, or something, or do something dangerous. But then again, I believe there are positive ways to release stuff. Just gotta find the one I need.

I know this is coming from a lot of things, but I need someone to reassure me of greater things that I need to focus on. I could be sufficient enough to do that. /Frustrations of a small being trying to feel big./

I wanna be part of the society again. Like the good old days. Just playing with my friends, and doing shit together freely. Note: Together, and freely. I miss smiles that are undistracted. I miss the times where no ghosts are chasing after you inside your head. I miss thinking about real life stuff. I miss those days. 'Cos, this isn't the real life.

Luckily, these friends of mine still, on a lot of days, give me something to think about. And they make me feel part of their lives when they do. A sense of purpose! At least there's that.


More insights:

I'm really hungry right now. It's 4AM. I was ready to sleep 5 hours ago.
I believe they'll be friends again.
This is a three hour composition with lots of chat in between. I gave what I could.

Best advice my lazy brain could come up tonight: "Walang hindi cycle sa mundo."
Best advice I received is a pickup line: "may papakita ako sayo.......yung ngipin ko"

That one cracks me up so hard. Ry mentioned his expertise in making people look stupid. This is one of the things that would surefire make me look #1 stupid.

Kai and Ry in one post. Yes, I just did that.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Headful, Mouthful


Spent the day with Ash. Had a lot of questions. She did too. We never ran out; We never run out. It's good to have a buddy like that -- Someone you can talk with endlessly. I felt my throat getting sore before we called it a day, but to be honest, I didn't want things to end there. I was going home again. Back to just me. No one to listen and respond to what I have in mind. I've mentioned this to another friend of mine, Bianca, how it gets lonely at home as I'm usually by myself. And I hit it right when I told her, 'cause she was an only child. She should know, of all people, how it felt to be alone. She said that I'd get used to it and she's probably right. But when I can't, I do something about it.

I feel blessed, if that's the most appropriate term, that I've friends to run to. I could be, at times, saying humdrum stuff, or things that are borderline philosophical, and I'm glad for all the times someone is there to listen.

I do appreciate it, terribly enough to write about it. I'm feeling pretty emotional.

I'll be looking for more answers, or more distractions, whichever comes, for the meantime.

Monday, July 09, 2012

The Small Things Matter (a re-blog)


This must be pretty old since I came across this story while backreading posts of years ago. I've forgotten about the story, and how nice it was and it's just great that I read it again. So here it goes:


This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that - more often than not - she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate eachother at the end. And you might walk away from eachother one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.
She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.
She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time.
She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that - gone. Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

Source: nedhepburn

I Traveled Worlds


His world has expanded. Too many streets to tread, too many faces to remember, too many people to keep around. He will select a few, and stick with them just as he needs to; Just as his station in time and space is there. They're all temporary, but it doesn't matter. His clock moves, and he cannot afford to be empty. But I remember when his whole world was me. And he was full.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Friendship Woes


*bear sigh*
Sometimes, my friends get the best of me. I feel for them when they're down and I'm into offering them what I can. But there are things that I find difficult to handle. I dunno if my issue is the topic of the problem itself or the attitude of the friend I'm trying to help. Truthfully, I am turned off by self-destructive personalities, and emotional vampires. And when I realize I can't offer anything they would consider, or if I cannot get myself to understand their situation , I can't help but run. Not just run, but really, run far away. And I know it sucks how easily I surrender but, really, how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Also, how can I help someone without having a good grasp of what their situation must be like. I feel too incompetent for some situations at times and I can't accept it. And the friends I've let down are piling up...

Sometimes I think I do too much helping. Sometimes I don't think all of them can listen to me the way I do to them. I just hope there will always be someone I can run to whenever I need an ear.


I wish you don't end up becoming too futile to help. I can't feel like a friend if I think I'm incapable of giving you anything. But then I'm also selfish because I don't want any of your bad parts.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Tender is the Word


I'm aware of my innate naivete, and I've been easygoing about most stuff. I'm mostly positive about some of the experiences I had, and I take it as things that contributed to my "growth." But I also think, some of them never deserved that chance to break me. The more you break, the more fears you grow. I know my fears weren't like this before.

Talking or not talking about love, a lot of things has changed. I could see the image depicting mainly how people are bound to affect the way we live, in one way or another.